Often I feel lied to. I feel like on a daily basis, I hear at least one lie from a friend. I’m not sure if this is paranoia or just me picking up on a vibe that they are subconsciously feeding to me, but even then, I give people the benefit of the doubt. Who am I to judge?

myuziksdailydevotions:

There are many lessons that we will learn in life, but there is one in particular that is important in every facet of living. Patience; it is the key to success and happiness and can lead to better results in everything.

“15 And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.” Hebrews 6:15 KJV

In nearly every persons’s life, we have heartbreak. We have moments that literally break us down in to a moment of psychosis. In my lifetime, I’ve had two or three heartbreaking endings that have left me scarred.

Because of these relationships, I tend to chase the ahort term fix. These people know that I’m not after a relationship. I’m just passing through and spending time because it makes the both of us feel good for the moment. A hug, a kiss, a touch, it soothes the burning sensation in our chest, hoping to forget for even a moment. There is no commitment, no fear of being left since it isn’t an actual relationship, and no pain as long as neither party gets stuck. But sometimes… Sometimes this short term fling is just not enough. You can build this fling up and maintain it for ages with no strings attached but it seems to feel empty.

Then there are times where you want to force a relationship because you hate this longing feeling. You don’t want some glue or tape to seal the cracks but something more permanent, so you find someone and you start talking. As time goes on, you realize that you’ve forced your cards and you’re in too deep, and only then do you realize that you’ve been lying to yourself. You end things carefully, not to do the same damage to the other that was done to you.

Then there are times where you find someone that you might be able to vibe with and you talk. For hours throughthe day and night, you text, call, facetime, whatever. You check on their day and hope they’re alright. You move forward ever so slowly, scared of the future, praying for safety as you progress. Maybe this will be the one to seal off the cracks for good. It feels good but you also feel vulnerable. I think this is where I’m at. Too hesitant to make moves because of the fear. I’m praying that I’ll never have to feel that again. I pray that I never feel that pain.

Life is so unpredictable. It’s funny because it’s always the most subtle things that remind me of you. Everything that reminds me of you, from other women to silly actions or just someone’s manner of speech, it kills me inside. Hell, even just being around areas we went to often… Man, it’s tough. The way I see it though, it’s my punishment for all I’ve done to you. I’m punished by remembering so much and even moreso that you choose to remember so little. I’m punished with bad relationships and I guess overall, you’ve made me insecure. You’ve made me want, no… Need someone to make me feel complete. This is the fine I must pay for my sins. For that reason alone, I’m finding some amount of peace in my suffering. I know this is just retribution for my misdeeds…

But because of this, I know that I can only pay so much. Once I’ve paid my debt and cleaned my slate then it will be time for me. Maybe I’m trying too hard to get you out of my system and not hard enough to really find true love? If only. I know I’ll find someone eventually. I can’t have hopes that I’ll find her soon, I can only hope that the net is my last. Afterall, only one story can have a happ ending.

I’m starting to feel… Maybe.

My first car. It’s funny to think that we kind of grew up together. She was only 7 years younger than me and we’ve had her since she was brand new. As a kid, I always dreamed of more expensive and luxurious cars, but in the back of my mind, I always wanted to inheirit this beauty. My dream came to fruition when I was 17, taking her in as my first car. I love her and drove her everywhere. It wasn’t until I started driving her daily that I truly had such a love for her. She was always there for me, offering solitude, comfort, and transportation. At times, I basically lived in her. As time went on, it was almost as if she was my ride and die that didn’t care what I did. It wasn’t uncommon for me to be on the long drive all alone with the beautiul hum of her engine. As a kid, I made memories sitting in the backseat as we travelled everywhere. My first trip to the grand canyon, a couple sf trip, and more than a few to Vegas, they were all in here. As a teenager, she brought me to school, to my appointments, and accompanied my mom to pick me up on those late nights, stranded in the most odd places. As an “adult”, I forged friendships, reinforced family relations, and held a thriving relationship with her help. She even held some of my most emotional moments, never judging me for my actions. Baby, you know I loved you. I still love you. I will always love you. No car or bike will every replace you because you were my first. Thank you for everything. I’m glad that your engine will no longer be stressed and your tires will never tire.

Rest in Peace.
1999-2012

The universal code for I kind of miss them now that they have someone new. I hear it all the time and I say it myself from time to time. Let’s face it, being happy for them just means you’re dying inside.

Things aren’t looking too great right now. I’m a mess. No job, my car’s wrecked, and the only thing I have goong for me is dance. Even still, I have hope. I know this is chance to grow as a person and I’m certain he wouldn’t put me in a situation I can’t handle. I just need to get stronger.

I’m impatient. I know I want you here with me already but let’s be honest. I’m in no position to have a girlfriend. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I made a commitment to care for you despite the fact that I don’t even have the means to take care of myself. For that reason, I’m content waiting for you, in hopes to make a better future for us. I may not know who you are, but I love you already.

All in all, I know that things aren’t how they should be. Jobless, my kid is far from me, my family situation is far from ideal, my only physical valuable possesion has been totaled, and I’m having a hard time standig on my own two feet. Still, I’ve been blessed with strong and loving friends that have been so supportive of me as I struggle to get things together. I’ve been blessed with a burning faith and the will to follow my passions. I’ve been blessed with another day that I can’t take for granted. For all this and more, I love my life and I’m cherishing every moment.

“God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect.” (Hebrews 11:40 KJV)

“And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:23, 24 KJV)

“A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17 KJV)